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Home | Friday 5th September 2008 | Issue 645

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Times are tough in UK churches. Religion ain’t what it used to be, so with dwindling numbers and dwindling interest in anything other than watching them tear themselves apart over admitting women and homosexuals to the clergy, The Church of England has come up with solution. In a decision that must have been made after an all-night bender on the communion wine, Birmingham Cathedral has appointed a director of ‘hospitality and welcome’ to oversee the opening of a string of city-centre wine bars.

Their (double) vision is to reach the godless where they let their guard down – on the piss - and then bamboozle them with their cunning holy branding.

The God almighty tipple houses will be church-themed with stained glass windows, religious pictures, and decorated in drinker-friendly ‘episcopal’ purple.

Loyalty cards are also planned to encourage repeat drinking and perhaps at happy hour they’ll offer two souls saved for the price of one. Maybe they’ll have pews to enable punters to give sanctimonious praise for their pints before, presumably, seeing the light and joining the congregation down the road for a crusade of holy abstinence.

SchNEWS awaits the second coming when Jesus returns to turn the Church’s water into wine and make them the next Wetherspoons, and wonders if they’ll follow the time honoured Papal tradition of running gambling dens, brothels and government and an army... Jesus would be spinning in his grave (if he hadn’t ascended to Heaven).

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