AND FINALLY

God’s representative on Earth is planning a road-trip to Britain and is obviously pretty scared of the so-called devout believers in heathen ol’ Blighty. In advance of the pope’s first official visit to this hell-hole later this month (16-19th), the Vatican has published a detailed list of do’s and don’ts for the Christian massive planning to turn up like flocking idiots to see his holiness.

Sunblock, flags and folding chairs are approved whilst musical instruments, china plates and steel cutlery do not please the Almighty.

Perhaps some of those at the many protests (gay rights, child abuse, contraception posse to name but a few) planned at the faith-ins should practice a bit of ‘fork-giveness” on the big day.

But the real word of the Lord is that alcohol, gazebos and lit candles should be left at home, because they “could pose a threat.” It seems God in all his wisdom has failed to divine what an explosive combination of things would be to leave at home if you then went out a-worshippin all day.

Or maybe it’s all part of their plan to burn down Britain before it runs out enough of the faithful left to pull it off.

* Check the Pope’s itinerary www.thepapalvisit.org.uk or follow him - on twitter.