SchNEWS has a long drunk from the well of horror stories about remote controlled killing and bombing by military drones. Now, at last, we can take the piss with news of a more-dumb-than-deadly civilian use. For lo and behold, here comes the beer drone. Lager-than-life organisers of the Oppikoppi music festival in South Africa plan to help punters at this years festie get 'wasted' by flying drones overhead and then parachuting mobile-phone-placed drinks orders down into the crowd. (We know, it sounds ridiculous – and they probably know it but just want the free coverage a cheap publicity stunt can bring... and we've just fallen into their trap. Damn it.)

Whilst a bit of a shake generally does beer no favours, apparently they see no problem with just dropping booze (but not Jägerbombs we hope) from the skies – and on to a thirsty heavy-drinking crowd: well what could possibly go wrong?!

They may have been sold the whizz-bang idea from all the military hype-types telling them about precision targeting and surgical strikes. But knowing as we do the messy actual military truth about collateral damage and indiscriminate killing...the chances of said drink arriving safely into punters fist? We predict a riot. Or lawsuits as a pilot error / malfunction sends an eight-propeller vehicle plummeting into the crowd and it rips someone's face off rather than helping them get off it.

(NB the campsite for the festival is amusingly called District 9. Lets hope it's not full of the prawn sandwich brigade...)

How could not mention dumbo arisotcract Robert Oliphant (dumbo – geddit?!) Maxtone-Graham.

The upper class twit if the year was up in front of Perth Sherriff court on Feb 21st having been given a large block of dope by a friend. He then phoned the police to er, complain about the poor quality of the stuff. Talk about toking the piss. Despite the cops best efforts to ignore him, he persisted until they were forced to nick him in what even his own solicitor called “an own goal”. Naturally it wasn’t an “own gaol” as anyone who scores higher that ‘O Cripes’ in a posh test is handled completely differently under UK law.  He was fined £360.

There are more hilarious details at the only national newspaper we subscribe to - the Daily Mail. (We love it for the sensible political rhetoric, measured house price analyses and for perving over underage celebrity children!)

We were momentarily concerned to learn that apparently huge numbers of ‘Le Freaks’ from the EDL were now into Kung Fu Fighting, but fortunately it turns out there not they’re not the rhythmless numskulls of the English Defence League but the rhythm-ful rogues at the English Disco Lovers group (some of them probably with numb skulls for entirely different reasons).
The ‘Chic’y beggars have nicked the racists acronym and are using it to promote equality, respect and, er, disco. With their cunningly-named website, www.edl.me - which spoofs the look and ridiculous slogans of its target - they are leading the Defence League on a merry dance, and aim to turn them ‘upside down’ by replacing them on the top of Google searches for EDL.
They already passed the EDL’s meagre 15,000 facebook followers on Feb 5th and now have more than doubled that. Now that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, we like it...
So ‘get down tonight’ to www.facebook.com/englishdiscolovers, and the  disco dream will survive and be stayin’ alive into the (Donna) summer and beyond...

Ever heard of Supreme Master Hai? If you've ever gorged yourself senseless on vegan fake meat at the Loving Hut cafe then chances are you have - she's their spiritual and temporal leader with a permanent slot on “Supreme Master TV”- so unswitch-over-able that it's the only station you'll ever see a Loving Hut telly tuned in to.

Unsurprisingly for a religious cult her messages of peace and harmony are mixed up with a particularly bizarre set of beliefs - life on the planet Venus, the Pyramids are UFO lighthouses, and the usual cosmic silly-bollocks you come to expect from weirdo cults such as the Hari-Krishnas, Scientologists, Mormons, Catholics, Apple Mac Evangelicals and Pentecostalists.

Amongst Supreme Master Hai's teachings is the promotion of breatharianism- the new age belief that the truly enlightened can survive on nothing but pure air and the spiritual energy of the universe. This is a pretty counterproductive philosophy for the owner of over 200 fast food outlets; you'd have thought that she'd have kept schtum. Hear her in her own words, it'll leave you breathless...

More tasty vegan cultish dishes on the menu.

So here we are again, January. Our arbitary dating system throwing up its annual ‘ooh look, another year gone’ moment.
And what did we learn from 2012? The world didn’t end as the Mayans never really predicted. The total failure of the free-reign capitalist system just 4 years ago (and still ongoing of course), followed by a huge policital public funding swindle to keep those in power in power and make everyone else pay for generations for doing so... still fails to stir up any serious agitation or desire for political change amongst the masses. Well how could it when we’ve had things like the Jubilympics, a new James Bond movie, Google nexus, celebrity paedo-factor stricly come rumour-mongering...  
But never fear, SchNEWS has come up with a way to really awaken the masses from their slumber. In 2013 we’re going to do all protesting gangnam style.
 

Stuck for gifts this Christmas? So last year you got your copy of “SchNEWS: in Graphic Detail”, but now you just cant think of a fitting gift for your loved ones over the festive period. Well, worry not, hot of the shelves of all the best perfumeries in Gaza comes the latest scent “M-75”. It's not named after the latest girl band or a washed up Spice Girl, M75 gets its name from the rocket that the Palestinian armed resistance in Gaza fired at Tel Aviv during the last offensive. Whilst the vast majority of missiles fire during the 8 day conflict were Israeli weapons shot into the Strip (killing over 170 against 6 Israelis killed) Palestinians both inside and outside of the beseiged territory rejoiced that one of their primitive rockets was actually able to strike at the Israeli capital.

The explosive fragrance (made of citrus fruits and herbal essences and sold in 2 oz black-and-green bottles for $13 apiece) is the brainchild of one Rajaey Odwan, director of Gaza's Continental Style perfume company, who said that he thought he'd “give customers a chance to smell victory and turn it into a perfume".

“Sales have gone through the roof”, he said. Indeed they have, just like the real thing.

* M-75 is available from all participating underground tunnels.

With global climate chaos, war in the Middle East and economic collapse being just too boring to hog the front pages every day the press have to find juicier titbits to dangle in front of their slavering public. MP's expenses was a good laugh for over a year, but was easily trumped by the phone hacking scandal, horse riding innuendo and all.

But now folks it's time for all out Paedogeddon as it turns out that everyone we ever watched on Telly in the 70s and 80s was a nonce. Jimmy Saville got the ball rolling of course but a host of stars of the era are now 'helping police with their enquiries'. It seems everyone older SchNEWSers grew up watching and listening to was a kiddy-fiddling wrong-o. Some of those children's TV catchphrases will be coming back to haunt us. Twitter is abuzz daily with new wild (as yet at least) unsubstantiated rumours every day. Why don't you deny it Zippy? What's stopping you?

Anyone who was anyone on the box while it was still 'the box' is no doubt sweating nervously in their Buckinghamshire mansion waiting for the crunch of squad car tyres on the gravel drive. No doubt many had their fingers hovering over the Max Clifford speed dial number. But wait … now that Max himself languishes at the constabulary's leisure who ya gonna call? This is the man who knows where all the celebs' metaphorical (or indeed literal) bodies are buried.  Who's gonna be left standing when the godfather of PR spills the beans?

SchNEWS has been left in a state of shock by the very idea that powerful people in positions of trust and authority could abuse their status for their own sick gratification. However, we can't help a bit of gleeful Schadenfreude as the cosy media palace starts crumbling around their ears. At this rate they'll have to take UK Gold off the air...

So the US election played out with a win for Obama. Yayy!!?? Er, well, no, of course not. Whilst nearly all (we're looking at you Hilary) democrats seem marginally less unappealing than any republicans, the whole multi-$bn-spending illusion of democracy in the most powerful nation on Earth just leaves just a sour taste in the mouth. (Choice? Two flavours of political party in America but 380 brands of shampoo: go figure. Take two bottles of ideology into the shower? No, I just brainwash and go...)

In honour of Obama's almost total failure to change anything fundamental in the first four years, lets trawl twitter (@injusticefacts if you must know) for some fun (and possibly even true) facts about the good ol' US of A (for those of you whose attention span is so damaged you can no longer digest any piece of information longer than 140 characters) whilst we look forward to the next four years of hope and no change...

* The US has 5% of the world's population, yet it uses 33% of the world's natural resources – and Americans use more electricity on Christmas lights than the yearly power usage of the entire African continent. * 60 percent of all Americans are either overweight or obese (wonder what percentage of those appearing on TV or in movies are obese?!) - while some 30,000 people literally starve to death each day. * In a survey of middle school American children, 92% were able to name 20 celebrities but failed to name 10 countries. * The richest 300 people in Europe and North America have the same income as 4.7 billion poor people; whilst as wealthiest nation on Earth, the U.S has the widest gap between rich and poor. * Each year, the U.S. spends more on war and destruction than the entire planet spends on healthcare. * The September 11 attacks killed 3000 people, the ensuing 'War' on terror has killed 1.5 million Iraqi and Afghani children (while 96% of Fox viewers did not know Bin Laden was previously a CIA operative) * If you're an African American male, your chances of ending in prison are 100000000000000000000% higher than becoming a billionaire – so fair play to Obama for bucking those odds at least...