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SchNEWS WORST BRITON

Irritated to the point of violence by the BBC’s Great Britons wankathon in 2003, SchNEWS decided to let our readers compile their own ‘Worst Britons’ list. Then, just after we’d put our poll on-line we found that Channel 4 were doing the same thing - and even using the same name (the only difference was that their Britons had to still be alive). We thought that had blown our idea, and let it slide. It was when Channel 4 broadcast their list - which was a totally piss-weak load of spurious TV distractions (Jordan at no. 2? Never heard of her) - that we dusted off our results to find our readers had been busy giving it their sarcastic best about the Brits they loved to hate - and it packed a punch! Basically Blair and Thatch predictably stole the best of it, with Churchill getting a good few kneejerks to the groin too. But there were some surprise choices. Here’s the top twenty...

 20. Lord Elgin (1766-1841)
“Partly responsible for the Opium Wars in China. The Chinese didn’t want opium grown in their country but the Brits wanted it for trading (surprise, surprise) so on a diplomatic visit to the Chinese palace, he started a fire, which burnt it down and sent out the poppy planters anyway. What a selfish cunt, statesmen never change, do they?”
He’s also the bloke responsible for ‘finding’ the famous ‘Elgin’ marbles in Greece, which he promptly stole. Those once beautifully carved stones were rediscovered by the Greeks a couple of years ago, rotting in a cellar of the ‘British’ Museum. This clearly came as a huge embarrassment to the BM who usually argue that they can’t return treasures stolen during the British colonial rampage ‘cos foreigners don’t have the proper facilities to look after them. They still have the cheek to call it the ‘British’ museum.
19. ‘Hanging’ Judge Jeffreys (1648-1689)
Made a name for himself by hanging most of the rebels who’d fought against the reign of James II in the 17th century.
18. Captain James Cook (1728-1779)
More than just hoisting the jolly roger for British imperialism, he was also possibly the first person to use biological weapons for genocidal purposes: He gave clothes to Australian Aboriginals deliberately contaminated with smallpox, with catastrophic consequences.
17. Matthew Hopkins (1620’s-1647)
Perhaps the most famous witch hunter of 17th century Britain. During his short career he had between 200 and 400 people executed for witchcraft.
“Roamed southern England fingering hundreds of people as witches, tortured the hell (sic) out of them, hanged the lucky ones”.
16. Oswald Mosely (1896-1980)
Upper class playboy and leader of the failed British Union of Fascists party. Youngest MP in his day, and you thought Blair was as right wing as the Labour party had ever got...okay maybe he is. But, Mosely’s anti-semitic, anti commonwealth-immigration rants and private army of bonehead thugs came close. We can thank him for instigating 1936 public order act and the ‘battle of Cable Street’.
“Oswald Mosely. Maybe more representative of British thinking of the day than many would admit to once the tanks started rolling over Poland. An ugly national characteristic - good to see them getting the shit kicked out of them by the East London working class of the day.”
15. George Granville Leveson-Gower 1st Duke of Sutherland (1758-1833)
A dead cert winner as worst Scot, he symbolises the highland clearances, perhaps the most devastating case of ethnic cleansing Britain has seen. Tens of thousands of Scots were driven from their homes by agents of the Duke of Sutherland in the early years of the 19th century, often by the burning down of their houses, to make way for sheep - an ecological and social disaster whose impact is still being felt.

14. Julie Burchill (1959- )
Newspaper columnist, hippo-like coke head and ex-punk dilettante sell-out. “For being a stupid, shallow, self-aggrandising, opinionated no-body. It’s time the Guardian stopped giving her the Alf Garnet ironic humour platform because unlike him she appears not to be acting”.

13. Cecil Rhodes (1853-1902)
Tricked and connived his way into power in Southern Africa in the late 19th Century - and set about stealing the continents natural resources “for his health”... no shit. Surrounded himself with strapping bodyguards in order to while away the hot afternoons and keep the natives at bay. Sparked a chain of events of theft and bloodshed that can be traced to the bloody mess that is present day Zimbabwe.
“For his involvement in colonial expansionist terror and the unbelievable arrogance to name an entire African country after himself.”

12. William the Conquerer (1027-1087)
[er, French ain’t he?] “He and his descendents stole the ‘common land’ from the people of England. The ruling classes are still Normans with names such as Bowes-Lyons.”
11. Peter Stringfellow (1940 - )
Mulleted multi-millionaire playboy, table-dancing/strip club owner and Tory Party supporter. “For giving wankers a bad name.”
10. General Dyer (1864-1927)
“Monster of the British Raj who, on April 13th, 1919, ordered his troops to open fire on thousands of unarmed, peaceful Indians in Amritsar. For 10 to 15 minutes 1,650 rounds of ammunition were unloaded into the screaming, terrified crowd, who were desperately trying to escape (Dyer had blocked the only exit). Dyer admitted that the firing would have continued had more ammunition been available, and said he would have used his machine guns if he could have got them into the enclosure, but these were mounted on armoured cars. He returned a hero to many in Britain, especially conservatives, who presented him with a jewelled sword inscribed ‘Saviour of the Punjab.’ Though his actions have obviously been imitated plenty of times since by British army personnel, from Ulster, to Iraq, Dyer set a precedent for the rest to follow.”
9. Richard Littlejohn (1954- )
Captain reactionary. Tenth rate Sun columnist. Dislikes: foreigners, lefties, tree-huggers, asylum seekers, poor people, the unemployed, blacks, Asians, northerners, Scottish people... Likes: big tits and football.
“Littlejohn constantly emits huge waves of conformist bile towards anyone who doesn’t proscribe to the Sun’s blend of cutting-edge, unbiased reportage.”
“Why does Five Live insist on having these wankers introduce 6.06. Bring back Danny Baker...shit, did I really say that?”
8. Oliver Cromwell (1649-1658)
“Puritan, tyrant and killer of people. Possibly indirectly responsible for the emergence of capitalism (the protestant ethic or something). Invaded Ireland and responsible for much of the conflict today. Banned Christmas!!! Redeeming feature: killed monarch.”
“I know it’s pointless voting for him but well, I’d at least like the chance for a no holds barred match with him as long as I could wear my steel toes - because, well, I’m from Connaught - nuff said!”
7. Paul Dacre (1949- )
Daily Mail editor. “I’d have to say Paul Dacre is the worst Briton, cos he’s partly responsible for the increasing level of racial tension in this country and making the right-wing petty bourgeoisie think that they actually have an intelligent viewpoint, which they obviously don’t. Oh yeah, and my mum reads the fucking mail and I have to listen to the shit she reads in that rag, so hang the bastard! And get Titchmarsh to dig his grave and throw him in after... Sorry, I’ve had a boring day!!”
“He wins because, unlike the other two, he’s still alive - for the time being…”
6. Robert Peel (1788-1850)
“For creating The Old Bill, and for causing the deaths of millions of Irish during the potato famine by refusing to repeal the Corn Laws, and insisting any aid offered to the starving had to be earned by hard physical work because the Irish were well known for being lazy scroungers (first ‘workfare’?) Didn’t work and thousands starved.”

5. Ian Paisley (1926- )
“Has encouraged sectarian gangs to torture and murder, earned a fortune for his misdeeds and has been protected in his crimes by the British state. If he were a Muslim the British Propaganda machine would have torn his character apart before imprisoning him and he would’ve been tortured in Cuba by now.”
4. The Queen (1926- )
Okay we’re just using her as a figurehead here for all royalty before and since. While the pack of French, Danish, Russian and German parasites that have installed themselves on Britain/England/Scotland’s thrones over the years don’t really fit the worst ‘Briton’ criteria - they could all do with a slating; Henry VIII, Charles I, ‘Bloody’ Mary and Victoria, to name but a few.
“The queen for being an outstanding reminder that class is still a very important issue, bitch.”
“The Queen, Charles, Camilla and the rest of the family. Bring back the fucking guillotine!”
3. Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Big Fat Havana chuffing Tory Freemason credited with winning World War II everywhere outside of Russia. Expanded British Empire throughout Middle East and beyond. The first to gas the Kurds and the last to get a drink in. Sometimes seen sporting a grass Mohawk.
“He was a member of the eugenics society, and probably aware that he agreed with Hitler on that score, was friends with the international bankers that funded both sides of WWII”
“Because he was voted ‘Greatest Briton’ by a BBC TV audience I would like to nominate the British TV viewer for ignorance and bigotry beyond the call of duty. Churchill also fought in the Boer War 1899-1902 where he helped round up the Boer population and put ‘em in concentration camps. Britain’s final solution to its own Vietnam.”
2. Margaret Thatcher (1925- )
What can you say? No society, no jobs, no future, no fun. Gave us: the poll tax, yuppies, the ‘it’s okay to shit on anyone in order to get rich mentality’, sink estates and punk rock. Credited with politicising more young people than Crass, Class War or the entire Chomsky back catalogue put together.
“The worst Prime Minister we’ve ever had she was responsible for the unnecessary Falklands War and saw working class people as scum.”
“School milk, YOP, YTS, anti union laws, Poll tax, council tax, Pinochet, Falklands, Northern Ireland. Classic sociopath.”
“Don’t you remember the day she left office - it was a great day - after 12 years of job loses, miners strikes, destruction of the UK industry and giving away national assets to the Tory’s friends.” [er... bit like the next 12 then...]
“Thatcher’s the worst - for destroying the idea of communities and throwing away coal and squandering money from North Sea oil - on tax cuts for the rich.”

NUMBER ONE WORST BRITAIN
Tony Blair (1953- )
Planted in the Labour party by the CIA while still at university, given long hair and dubious rock guitar tuition at School of the Americas. Kept lowish profile until Tories displayed imminent-implosion status. Old skool Labour predecessor John Smith is offed by the Pentagon in pseudo heart-attack scenario - Blair slides into the limelight. Despite obvious corporate/right wing fundamentalism of “New” Labour, old left sheepishly elect said tosspot, not once but twice. Last vestige of hope for a working class/labour electoral alternative to hit-and-run capitalism is extinguished. As true blue blend of his blood is exposed, Blair does no-return sale of UK and all who sail in her to Washington. History may judge him, but then again, his mates are writing the history books...
“Blair’s the worst...what a cunt!”
“A lickspittle and congenital liar. A phoney Christian who purports to pray to the Prince of Peace whilst showering innocent civilians with cluster bombs.”
“Oooh. It’s almost impossible to choose but given the present climate and that he is unfortunately still breathing our valuable Oxygen. I would have to vote for the Right Arseonrable Satan Blair.”
“Not in my name, you fascist, capitalist, war-mongering git!”
“Tony Blair for being a cunt and licking any arse he can reach plus following on from Thatcher.”
“Iraq War, Afgan War, PFI, Foundation Hospitals, Tuition Fees, US Poodle, Sainsbury, Straw, Blunkett, BAE, Fox Hunting goes on, Right to roam forgotten, Fear Mongerer, Single Mother Benefit Cuts, Welfare to Work, God Fearing Facist!”
  UNLUCKY TO MISS OUT
David Lloyd George (1863 – 1945) – British PM from 1916-1922. Reminiscent of Blair, he started out as a 'pacifist' politician, that is until the First World War started. At the end of the war he pressed hard for harsh German reparations. During his rein Britain bombed such countries as Afghanistan, Egypt, Iran, Iraq... He is also famous for his quip during a 1932 League Of Nations talk about disarmament that “we insisted on reserving the right to bomb niggers”.
Jeremy Clarkson (1960 - ) Polled very high amongst readers. The motoring lobby's pratt mascot; barometer and cheerleader for middle-England Thatcherite values. Thinks it's funny and clever to be homophobic, bigoted and totally un-PC in every way, over and above his obvious disregard for the environment.
Adam Smith (1723 – 1790) - Philosopher and economist credited with inventing the concept of free trade and market economics in his book "The Wealth of Nations", though defended by some as simply describing, not condoning these concepts.
David Sainsbury (1940 - ) - epitome of the creeping cancer within British Government. Outspoken supporter and investor in GM technology and current Science Minister. No conflict of interests there then.
Robert the Bruce (1274 - 1329) - bloodthirsty murderer, who is celebrated today on the basis that his most prominent victims were English. His invasion of Ireland, and vicious blood-feuds in Scotland are rarely mentioned.
Edward Longshanks (1272-1307) - bloodthirsty murderer, who is celebrated today on the basis that his most prominent victims were Scottish.
Henry Morton Stanley (1841 - 1904) - The man responsible for most of the Africa's ills to this day. Honored for of all things, finding a single white man (the only other white person in inland Africa) from amongst several thousand black people plus his very large retinue (with the help of hundreds of press-ganged guides, porters, and interpreters). How long would you take to find an outlandishly attired green man in England?
Michael Howard (1941 - ) - godfather of the Criminal Justice Bill, just the man having once said "I know what causes crime; criminals!". Simple!
Prince Philip (1921-) - The epitome of arrogance, ignorance, a toff whose racist remarks should have had him exiled to work in a sweatshop in India many years ago. A shame of our nation. We should make an example of him...who wouldn't like to see him being chased by a pack of hounds?
  BUBBLING UNDER

Rebecca Wade - Editor of the Sun, nuff said.
Jack Straw - Protects our freedoms by taking them away and gave the cops "special powers" to keep us all safe.
 

 


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